Storms...

We haven't had rain here in quite a while, and when we we leaving soccer practice last night Caleb said, "Look mom, there is lightning" After we got home and got showers and the kids got to bed ,it started. And it rained and rained. Bekah came out and said, "is it going to thunder?" It did. And each time she came out. My girls hate thunder.
When we lived at the "old" house, The kids were on the top floor, and Mike and I were on the main floor. So, for seven years, they had the rain pounding over their heads, not me. Now,I am on the main floor with the girls and when it rains, I think it is going to come through the roof....it has been awhile since I have heard it...
Mike is working nights right now, and it is always hard for me to fall asleep the first night he is on shift. So, I enjoyed the rain and my computer. When I finally got to bed, I stretched out across my bed, something I do when he is gone, and fell asleep. Until 3:30. That was when the loudest thunder I have ever heard boomed. And, of course the girls heard it too...and were quickly in my room asking to sleep with me. (Caleb is the lucky one in the basement,who doesn't hear any of this) Now, I am not a good mom who loves to have her children come into bed and sleep with her. I like to snuggle for a moment, and then send them off to their bed. The storm didn't allow that. I said, "Ok,you can come in bed with me...but we are going right to sleep." Bekah liked that idea, Elisa didn't.
At first I thought, "this is so great. I have these two little girls in bed with me, loving on me and trusting me to keep them safe..." Elisa was next to me with her little toes up against my leg, her arm on my arm. "Why don't I do this more often?" I thought...And then a half hour past, and Bekah is passed out, and Elisa is saying, "Bekah get your feet off me...." And I say, "enough, go back to your room. Storms over." And then pray, God please don't let there be anymore thunder.
Lately, I have been in the midst of a personal storm. I have watched my due date come and go with the baby I lost. And in the midst of that I, have had my oldest sister call to tell me she is pregnant with her fourth. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for her. She prayed for many years for her husband to change his heart toward wanting another child. The timing was just hard on my heart....I want to be pregnant too, with my fourth. That was a few weeks before my due date. And I cried.
And this weekend, while talking to my other sister about her son's birthday, she says to me, "I have news for you." "Don't say it," I think...and she does....she is pregnant with her sixth...and the rain pours down....there is so much history that I can't even right write between Beth and I and her bad feelings toward me for havig a baby when she wanted another one....so this...this news just put a bigger hole in my heart. And led me to many questions of "Is this some kind of joke? Shouldn't I be holding my baby right now, and rejoicing with them? What is wrong with me?" And I don't know the answers...but it feels like a big joke, a bad one...
So right now I am trying to see through this storm, and I am not so patiently waiting for it to pass...I wish it were as easy as curling up in bed with my girls...I recently read a "saying" that said "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass....it's about learning to dance in the rain." I want to learn that dance.
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Comments
Sep. 9, 2008 - praying for you
Posted by arajbrown
for a dance that's to come ... for joy that's complete ... for answers you don't yet see. But mostly just for your heart to heal! Love you- a
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Sep. 9, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Sam
Donna, you are an excellent writer. Gina and I love you guys and we pray for you often. Those days will come. Until then you can just keep leaving me with your kids when your husbands at work and taking my wife shopping.
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Sep. 9, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by smallworldathome.blogspot.com
Beautiful, beautiful post. I'm so glad you are blogging again.